Rabbit hole,

or conspiracy theories, now folks many of you will know I love a conspiracy thought or story, looking for the story behind the news and talking to other people that want to believe the same,

Some of you may know the names of Rockefeller  or Rothschild, known to be wealthy and if the truth be known more money than you can ever imagine. Wars, no one wins at war it is said, yet there are many still going on and how many times have you heard the charity ads on TV asking for help? Well now, if you put the money you spent on the war into the people we would not be seeing these ads right? So, who wins at wars? Bankers, the people bank rolling the weapons, the rich are getting richer at the expense of humans somewhere else! The good ol’ american dollar eh..

Talking of the dollar, we all know the name or term federal reserve the bank, now I am not sure about the federal part of it, but one think that does get my attention is who owns it. The central banking system of the good ol USA is privately owned.. read that again, private owned… surely that cannot be the best option to control a country as big and powerful as America right? But, what’s the best way to get rich, control the money.. suddenly it makes sense. So, ok a bit of guess work here but if a country dont support or use the dollar might be why they are apparently enemies of America, not assuming anything just guessing, it is a coincidence and y’all know how I feel about them. At the time of writing couldn’t find (read didn’t look) the bit I wanted about who owns most of the banks in the UK but I believe it goes all the way back to the Rothschild family. How deep you thinking this rabbit hole goes???

Who knows what the united nations are? A place or organization that was setup after a major war to bring peace to the world, doing a grand job aint they.. but thats for another day, few of you may of heard of the Bilderberg group or meeting, clip from Wiki below

The Bilderberg meeting is an annual conference established in 1954 to foster dialogue between Europe and North America. The group’s agenda, originally to prevent another world war, is now defined as bolstering a consensus around free market Western capitalism and its interests around the globe.

Right.. ok so whats the point of the united nations again?

Princess Diana, perhaps one of the biggest conspiracy stories in living memory, was it just an accident? I for one do not think or believe it at all

And on that thought, have a good day or night whenever you drop by and read this,

Return of the broken man

Or at least sprained..

and strained, so just over two weeks ago doing the day job a simple wrong placement of footing and I went down rather heavy – results a painful ankle.

The following day I went to Southend hospital seeking medical advice, bless the staff there and thanks to them and looking after me, got an xray to confirm there was no break and it was indeed a heavy sprain.

Spoke to my employer who was very good about it, very good considering had only been in the job a few weeks. However, money is now weighing heavy on my mind.

Two weeks down on a paycheck is going to hurt when you live one month at a time, I used to joke why is there so much month left at the end of the money, its no longer a joke… after around 7 years in the recovery industry and doing my best to work at never needing to rely on benefits again I suddenly have no idea how I am going to pay my bills this month let alone get back to full time driving. I need to work,

I do try to keep the mood on the positive, the lighthearted mindset when I enjoy life and those around me, my loved ones and family.. yet suddenly I understand where dark depressed thoughts come from, those that dont know how to survive the night and turn to a bottle of drink or even drugs.

It is so hard at the moment to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is the deepest darkest night for me and my family at the moment, yes I am holding out for the morning light and a positive move forward,

Diary of a broken man

So here it is, not quite confession time and not a cry for help, although I need help..

Back in 2008 I took the family to Egypt on a holiday of a lifetime, incredible time is an understatement. Since then my mind lost its focus and money troubles hit, and hit hard. OK to be fair if I am honest my trouble began way before that losing my focus in the computer industry, I did not know what direction to take in the industry and lost a lot because of it.

So for the last 10 years I have been fighting to survive financially, my mind crashed and from holiday of a lifetime to just about affording a £10 sun holiday, although we have has some wonderful times there when a cotton thread budget its still a worry. Bit by bit debt collectors have come and gone and now a big one is a big threat to ruin me, I mean bankruptcy. Horrible word, a lot of people might say dont worry its not the end of the world and all sorts of trying to help nice comments but for someone of my age do you really want to end up retiring broke and bankrupt? No, not a nice thought.

My biggest hit and worry at the moment is an attachment of earnings from my local council, the law allows them to file an attachment with your employer and the brutal side is as long as you take home 60% of your earnings its ok to do it. It does not matter if you cant afford to do anything else the law wins. (typical) I went to a debt charity for help, I went to the CAB for backup, it wasnt nice, it hurt my mind badly. I could not see the wood for the trees and was at the end of my strength and was getting depressed over it.

The moral of this story and the reason for posting it in the open outside world, its ok not to be ok and it is ok to ask for help. I have produced a budget and documented how badly this is financially hard and is falling on deaf ears, seems that once they start blood out of a stone is possible even if it destroys the mind in the process.

Hope is fading, I need a car as the existing one had to get scrapped, finding another one is hard work and getting to be a stress. Mood swings for the first time in many years are affecting me, but the wife knows and is very supporting understanding and seeing the struggle in my day to day life.

Anyway and oh well, back to hunting for a car, or just a beer, back to work in the morning to earn my little bit, to enjoy one day a month when the bank account is above £5,

That Christmas time of year thoughts

Today I had the wonderful honour to go see my grandson in his school christmas play, call christmas around the world it was nice to see, but what happened to the nativity play?

Anyway, it got me thinking watching the kids doing there play.. I wonder how many of them will actually question what this time of year is all about, OK its widely known I am not a fan of this time of the year as my kids affectionally call me scrooge and the grinch.

Let me be clear, I am not a fan of the commercial side of xmas, the have to buy gifts for someone either because they brought for you or the worry if you brought enough for them for whatever reason. The getting the family together part is good, very good because we spend so much time working or doing our own thing for the rest of the year we need a break and catch up time with the family.

But, for a minute lets go back to Christmas, the back ground behind it. There is going to be various thoughts about it and look forward to your thoughts.

On the one hand, its a pagan festival dreamed up by someone in years gone by. Banned at some time in the past because of the connection to the pagans, the date was set because it was the time of the year when the days began to get longer at the end of the winter. Or to really push the thought out, the angels appeared to the Shepard when?? Well there is the thought that the sheep had been secured in the penns back down in the village because it was to cold in the mountains that late in the year.

Or it was the birth of a king, that king that was tortured and killed by people that didn’t like the truth (sounds familiar – people still dont like the truth) Jesus asked us to remember his death and never mentioned his birthday. So who are we to go against it?

Whatever you believe, whatever you call it, I wish you all a wonderful family filled time and wish you all a wonderful new year with less struggles and more joy next year.

Stay safe friends and family,

Letter to a 10year old me..

I have seen a lot of posts about what you would say to your 10 year old self..

so heres mine,

Focus, pick a job, a career something to focus on.

Easy? No of course not, but looking back its one of my biggest failures, I have a wonderful family around me and a job that has just gone past 5 years in this career. having moved between the computer industry and motor trade twice and getting good at the recovery job, still learning and growing maybe I should have started earlier. Maybe, but then you cant live on maybe’s can you?

In my computer time I could not settle on what part I wanted to stick with, I lost focus and lost a good paying job. It was a 9 to 5 job, it paid well and took us to a stunning holiday to Egypt. Now a 60 hour working week on a good week, and money is tight.. Its not easy and I miss alot of family time. I am working more and more on my own car, now is it because I enjoy it or out of need because I cant afford to pay someone to work on it..? Getting my youngest involved in pulling the car apart is good and its one memory I dont have growing up.

I feel I am to old to consider another change of career, so now as a 50 something year old have I now found my focus?

Hope so,

Circumstances

Circumstances,

they change, people change, and sometimes when they change it makes you think about what you have, or don’t have even. Life is very fragile and in a flash your world can be flipped upside down.

Today, we went to see an art exhibition in Hullbridge organised by a couple that we have known for many years, a lovely couple indeed. It was a pleasure to see what they had and the fact they are taking time out to do something together that they clearly enjoyed despite the stress the day had caused.

So the thought behind this reminded me that as I am about to start another long 5 days on the road, leaving my wonderful wife of 30 years at home whom I often think about whilst out on the road. In my day job things can change as the recovery industry is a dangerous one as often seen on social media because it rarely makes mainstream news. Maybe, just maybe there is something we can do together..

In regards of lives thrown upside down another family we know are potentially facing a life changing health scare, this family has been hardworking for the entire time we have known them. Having watched my father go thru a battle for a little less than a year fighting the big C I know 1st hand how brutal health changes are. Then watching my mother throw herself into life for the next year and to suffer her own life changing health scare at the end, brings it crashing into reality a reminder how fragile we are.

So often life is taken for granted, we don’t tell or show our loved ones we love them and appreciate them until something tragic grabs our attention and then, like this and me, got me thinking.. what if and how would I cope? No idea is the honest answer, I would like to say I would be fine and would cope and all this type of things, but nobody really knows how strong they are until they have to be.

Time to work smarter, not harder.. But what..? or how.. I miss home time with my wife and the family, on the other hand I do enjoy my day job because of the people I meet and help on a daily basis.

Whilst this is in my mind and fresh, off to get ready for the next 5 days on the road and in the truck..

Society Demands

Society demands, some things we may agree on and probably just as much that we don’t agree on. But who or what is this society that demands we do certain things or how we dress? Possibly the same people when in your day to day conversation, when you say things like – they say.. or it is said that if…

You know the one, they say that this or that is bad for your health, or they say that if you travel to fast you will not be able to breath. Who are the ‘they’? People back in the day when cars first came on the scene said if you went over 10mph you would not be able to breath! But that’s another story,

So where did this post start, cannot remember to be honest, but what I do remember just recently there was uproar when a mother allowed her son to go to nursery in his favorite dress, princess dress or a similar fancy outfit. there was another one more recent along the same line, the haters and moaners of course will start its wrong type statements, which makes me wonder if these are the same people that have something against gay lesbian or transgender people. Now I was brought up in a bible loving home and there are parts that imply cross dressing and gay activities are bad in the eyes of God, I know people that are not normal as the haters will call it but then on the other side these people are human! Why should society dictate who my friends are?

Ah just remembered something, couple of weeks ago there was a documentary on TV about people that dress up as dogs, it was rather strange to get our heads round, it was sad to see that one couple had split because of the mans desire to dress and behave like a dog plain to see the sadness in the womans face. Brings me to another one, couple of years ago there was another program that probably horrified people that was normal and that was adults dressing up as babies. define normal…?

Society demands that woman covers her chest, men do not have to, why? In some African countries it is the norm that women and men cover the same parts of their bodies and leave open the top half.

OK last one, if a man wears a skirt and calls it a kilt, is that wrong, or is there some major difference between the skirt and kilt that I have missed?

Everyone deserves to be loved,

Until next time then 🙂

Mental health pains

Ah the age old argument of mental health, the good, bad or worse that is the mind.  It is easy to dismiss it as all in the mind and say things like get over it but the harsh reality there is problems and places in the mind we just don’t understand.

This is not I am having a bad day type of thing, this is a real struggle where your mind does not know which way to turn or if there is another day to start again let alone light at the end of the tunnel. When heavy depression kicks in sometimes there is no hope in the mind but a friend and a hug does good things, a helping hand or voice just to listen. I don’t pretend to even know the depths of depression but have sampled it in the past and now most of the time I can climb out of it before it grabs hold. I have a mind that I can say bounces back from most downtimes pretty quick, until this last week when I sprained my ankle and still trying to get the positive flow back into full swing.

This started this morning when I saw a post on Facebook from a friend on the subject this morning about depression and suicide. Now, suicide is easy to claim that this is the cowards way out, really? Nope have to disagree, when your mind is on such a downward spiral that you cannot see the way forward, you cannot see that somewhere somehow there is a future for you and you are actually worth something, something to you or your family but you are so far gone that you truthfully believe the people around you will be better off without you. Hence a word and a hug from someone often works or is at least a start.

An example, not to far ago there was a plane crash, it is believed that the pilot flew the plane into the ground to commit suicide, despite the overwhelming desire to hate the pilot for what he did and yes the brutal truth is he committed mass murder in the process he could see or hear nothing past his own mind and what he ‘needed’ to do. The flight crash investigation concluded he would not have even heard the banging on the cockpit door trying to get his attention. It was a sad day beyond words for families and the aviation world.

Just a thought, depression is evil, the dark side of the mind that is very powerful, so the next time someone says I am depressed, don’t bite back with some pull yourself together sentence, offer a shoulder to lean on and a friendly ear.

You might be surprised,

 

Fight or flight

Fight or flight,

Not quite that bad, but… Last Wednesday had a little incident and managed to create an issue with my ankle. Cant go into details at the moment but it still hurts a week later. So, the day job currently is driving a recovery truck, a job I enjoy for the challenge and the people, but mainly the people that are having a bad day and my pleasure of helping them in the hour of need is great. I have gone from times gone by hiding behind a computer, screen and a phone to a need for personal interaction. This is daily part of the joy, the hard part of my job is the time of my shifts, 12 hour days on a good day is hard. Sometimes it flies by and others drag, same as anywhere I guess.

Most of this I guess is a bit feeling sorry for myself, after a good few years of the odd day off sick and not needing any state handouts I suddenly find me grounded from a small incident and having to apply for said state handout 🙁

Then having said that, it made me think about income, how vulnerable we are to life changing moments in life. We are a very materialistic country and people in the west, dumb people living on smartphones. But what if, and that’s where this is coming from. I have no life insurance is the horrible scary reality, my job is quite dangerous and whilst my role involves risk assessments on every job and continually checking all my angles there is an element of unknown.

Where am I going with this, no idea.. That’s not true, mainly, I need to consider the options carefully because having always enjoyed (mostly) recovery and 3 years later still finding the challenge I am having a want more moment, I can do more and I need to, is this the push and shove I need but never wanted? Could be,

Watch this space to see what happens, but then I am sure there are doubters amongst us that we say no, nothing will change..

 

 

Eat, sleep, drive, repeat..

Day erm…. no idea

Ever since I started my blog me.uk, I’ve been doing the same thing eavery day: Eat sleep drive repeat.. eat sleep drive repeat… eat drive repeat sleep, drive sleep something, got confused again.. As another day melts in to the next its easy to get days mixed up. I am kept busy by managing my blog, marketing and personal things. I do everything via my laptop. Thanks to wordtree.io, I am able to monitor my niche, watch my search traffic grow and keep an eye on my sales and others as well. But recently I’ve been on a break. And all I do is eat, sleep, drive… repeat.

So, here we go again second day off shift and starting to ramp up and get in the mind set for another 4 days of eat sleep drive repeat, and very little time for myself and other essential things that I need to take care of and very rarely do. Still need to take care of the tax return for this year, of course time is running out on that one. The rest of the to do list is getting longer and time shorter and yes I am still doing little about it, tut..

Car insurance, what a joke.. my current provider have quoted nearly £700 which on a £600 car is comically high, quick compare on the meerkat site and £221 is the best. #epicFail

Had a lovely couple of days off, so I spent them doing some extra stuff I wasn’t able to finish at home and in that free time I played some online games in elitist gaming, they have so many options, you can Go Here and check for more. So anyways in this couple of days off, I was thinking how far can I go working for someone else, don’t get me wrong I love my job, well to be honest I do it for the people. Helping people, families is the best part of the job and the challenges are a close second. I need to be around people more and more and the more I think about it the more I know where and what I need to do.

The problem, apart from what I make it I need to be earning I cannot lose one job in the maybe I can earn elsewhere. Confidence in my talent, of course I have confidence but with a tint of doubt. I am not very good with paperwork and this is a major problem for me. If I have any chance of success I need a good team around me, time to practise and get going

GSD, don’t ask what it means.

But, a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. Better step then, and step up..