Or at least sprained..

and strained, so just over two weeks ago doing the day job a simple wrong placement of footing and I went down rather heavy – results a painful ankle.

The following day I went to Southend hospital seeking medical advice, bless the staff there and thanks to them and looking after me, got an xray to confirm there was no break and it was indeed a heavy sprain.

Spoke to my employer who was very good about it, very good considering had only been in the job a few weeks. However, money is now weighing heavy on my mind.

Two weeks down on a paycheck is going to hurt when you live one month at a time, I used to joke why is there so much month left at the end of the money, its no longer a joke… after around 7 years in the recovery industry and doing my best to work at never needing to rely on benefits again I suddenly have no idea how I am going to pay my bills this month let alone get back to full time driving. I need to work,

I do try to keep the mood on the positive, the lighthearted mindset when I enjoy life and those around me, my loved ones and family.. yet suddenly I understand where dark depressed thoughts come from, those that dont know how to survive the night and turn to a bottle of drink or even drugs.

It is so hard at the moment to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is the deepest darkest night for me and my family at the moment, yes I am holding out for the morning light and a positive move forward,

So here it is, not quite confession time and not a cry for help, although I need help..

Back in 2008 I took the family to Egypt on a holiday of a lifetime, incredible time is an understatement. Since then my mind lost its focus and money troubles hit, and hit hard. OK to be fair if I am honest my trouble began way before that losing my focus in the computer industry, I did not know what direction to take in the industry and lost a lot because of it.

So for the last 10 years I have been fighting to survive financially, my mind crashed and from holiday of a lifetime to just about affording a £10 sun holiday, although we have has some wonderful times there when a cotton thread budget its still a worry. Bit by bit debt collectors have come and gone and now a big one is a big threat to ruin me, I mean bankruptcy. Horrible word, a lot of people might say dont worry its not the end of the world and all sorts of trying to help nice comments but for someone of my age do you really want to end up retiring broke and bankrupt? No, not a nice thought.

My biggest hit and worry at the moment is an attachment of earnings from my local council, the law allows them to file an attachment with your employer and the brutal side is as long as you take home 60% of your earnings its ok to do it. It does not matter if you cant afford to do anything else the law wins. (typical) I went to a debt charity for help, I went to the CAB for backup, it wasnt nice, it hurt my mind badly. I could not see the wood for the trees and was at the end of my strength and was getting depressed over it.

The moral of this story and the reason for posting it in the open outside world, its ok not to be ok and it is ok to ask for help. I have produced a budget and documented how badly this is financially hard and is falling on deaf ears, seems that once they start blood out of a stone is possible even if it destroys the mind in the process.

Hope is fading, I need a car as the existing one had to get scrapped, finding another one is hard work and getting to be a stress. Mood swings for the first time in many years are affecting me, but the wife knows and is very supporting understanding and seeing the struggle in my day to day life.

Anyway and oh well, back to hunting for a car, or just a beer, back to work in the morning to earn my little bit, to enjoy one day a month when the bank account is above £5,